save the polar bears.

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 05:11:22 GMT

ive loved so many people everywhere ive went.

and i care so much for so many others.

will that ever change? cos i don't want it to.

i'm headed to massart next fall.. :]

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 04:09:32 GMT

holy shit this life has no purpose.
thats freeing.
thats grandoise.

i can't go through my daily days here, smiling, happy. its too.. honest.
i feel good when i'm alone. i feel at peace. i'm usually hyper. i'm usually optimistic.
usually.

mostly.

i cant wait until i'm in the city next year. i'm not going to lie.
i figure there are two extremes in the world - the woodsy, un human occupied nature and the deadly, crammed up metal city walls.
saratoga springs is not quite natural, its mostly synthetic, but there is also room to breathe, so it's somewhere in between,
whereas in boston, its going to suffocate me, drown me, and try to take my being.

and i know i can fight it.
i guess thats what my problem is; i constantly need to be fighting (or for) something.
- the pursuit of girls/partnership [check]
- gender identity disorder, fighting for my right to be who i am [check]
- against my brother [check]
- for my brother [check]
- against the cancer [check... and continuing]

and now that a lot of things have calmed down, i dont feel.. a fight here.
with the city digging at my skin, which unfortunately is starting to show bones and my vulnerability,
i will have a constant battle to distract myself and help me grow.

education is power if you're listening. and i am.

shit son. oh life.

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 22:50:29 GMT

i got accepted into massart. wow.
i wasn't too worried about it.. i mean, i figured i'd done pretty well in art and i got into skidmore so it was likely. but still.
it's like last year all over again. i found out i got into skidmore, and immediately freaked out. :D it's a great feeling.

part of me is worried, though. i'll be a freshman there, i'll have to do some silly structured classes [im going to call to hopefully get out of some that are similar to ones i took here already though whew.]
i also am going to miss the people here. the familiarity. the woods. i am not a born city dweller, this would purely be temporary. but the fact that i'd be in a unique, messed up, busy place is intriguing.. life is vulnerability, right?

ive played it safe here at skidmore. i've met great people, i've had great talks, it is common knowledge to me that i am comfortable. but i still don't feel as though it is home. but would massart be home?

cons to transferring: less variety of classes like philosophy that i'm interested in, losing? friends, losing the sense of familiarity and being part of a unique group of human beings [not just art students.]..

pros to transferring: a new place, a fresh start. new people, being emersed in art, having the ability to become an art teacher in a shorter amount of time, being near my mother [considering her health and other family things, i really really miss her and am worried about her all the time], being in a city where there are infinite opportunities for art and music and jobs and lots of unique people [skidmore is unique, to a degree..], olga is there, erik is there..

i'm pretty much set on going. im afraid to tell all of my friends, well, not afraid, but apprehensive. it hasnt anything to do with them - in fact, they are incredible. i dont want to lose them, but i also need to do something for myself once.

i've been fighting with olga a lot lately, but i still believe she is the one for me. however, as hard as it is for others to realize, i wouldnt be doing this for her. maybe a tiny percentage of the reason is based off of her affiliation with the school that happens to be able to provide me with incredible opportunities, but yknow..

being in the mindset of 'i'm leaving this place' is not necessarily where i want to be.. i'll miss the freedom of crazy adventures, but whose to say that cant happen in a city?

i'm nomadic. always have been. always will. plus, i could always transfer back if stuff doesn't work out, yeah?

its not as if i havent ever dealt with a hard decision before.. :P

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 06:22:26 GMT

one year on the man juice, and i don't feel any different.
except, i feel quite amazing and much happier. :]

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:39:37 GMT

disappointment. alas. :/

Sat, 16 Jan 2010 06:45:41 GMT

i havent eaten meat in years
and am going vegan pretty soon i do believe. actually, starting now.

because i think that
if you eat animals
or any of their byproducts
you don't have any idea what you're doing.

no matter where the animals come from or how they are raised or treated or no hormones or 'it's just milk it doesnt hurt the cow'
seriously, anything mass produced is fucked up. its all about efficiency. they slit their throats, torture them. it's not beautiful, it's not rituall, it's apathetic slaughter.

if you go out and kill your own food, or raise your own chickens and their eggs, that's brilliant.

but letting someone else, or rather, a few huge companies do it for you?

10,000 animals are killed every minute in the united states. and it's not humane.

moving onward in life and melodies..

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 22:52:57 GMT

www.myspace.com/skylarkstunes

:]

one hundred yard restraining order

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:29:12 GMT

i'd never called 911 before.
until today.
on my own brother.

i wish i could say that my life is simple, things are good, my family's happy and healthy.
but i feel like shit and he's in jail.

but he said he was going to hit my mum. and kill her. and himself.

she doesn't deserve that. this.
and she admitted she didn't want him here. couldn't have him here anymore.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 05:21:50 GMT

what if your words become routine
and your feelings instinct
so that i then become
the boy you designate to see every other wednesday?

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:08:51 GMT

i think the world is a lot simpler than anybody ever imagined;

those before us created the perfect poison for the planet,
and left us to watch it.

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 03:51:39 GMT

i would move to boston just to live with her.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 03:07:20 GMT

dyou ever just feel like the whole world's fucked up, everyone in it is fucked up, and we all just live fucked up lives trying to be more fucked up than the fucked up people around us?

sometimes, i feel like that.
but right now, i feel amazing and nows the best time to reflect on why everything's so fucked up, you know?

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 04:07:17 GMT

the simplicity of how bad my throat hurts
is complicated at best.

a humble letter

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 03:27:27 GMT

to those who do not know me, including myself,

hiya. my name's sky.
i'm eighteen, absolutely lost, but perfectly okay with being a nomad.
pretty much socially awkward, but smile enough to the point where it doesn't really matter and people don't feel too awkward around me.
or maybe they do and i just don't know it.
my body's a work in progress, i've been injecting it with things it should've been born with for the past six months.
which makes me pretty frustrated sometimes.
i'm dirt poor, i read a lot, and i never wear shoes.
love is something i pretend to know that i'm feeling, but the world keeps turning and won't let me take my time.
hands are meant to be held.
and someday, i hope to know you.

peace and hugs,
sky.

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 05:41:42 GMT

there's all sorts of pretty people in art school
where my gifrleind's going.

muddy waters is my best friend

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 14:05:47 GMT

today at 1:40 pm i have a consult with a doctor out in springfield for top surgery.
i finally have the money.
and i can't wait. december is looking promising :D

my mum, the other day, said something along the lines of, "what's the recovery period?"

to which i replied, "one week before you get the drains out, two weeks before you can raise your arms above your head, four weeks until you can lift things 5+ lbs, and 6 weeks until you're all set of heavy lifting and working out again."

and she kind of tilted her head and said, "i don't know if there's a 6 week period this summer that you have available, but i really wanted you to get it done before you went to college.."

woahheywhat?!?!?! why didnt she tell me that months ago?!?!??????
but hey. oh well. m stoked none the less.
three hour car ride with the love of my life and jelly beans. m.
and then finding out about being able to be naked in the near future.. ahh.

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 01:31:22 GMT

i should probably start setting realistic goals for myself
for self improvement
soo
i am.

Mon, 18 May 2009 02:41:49 GMT

i felt so naturally good today.
hyper, friendly, like myself.
like i turned over the coolest colored leaf, ever.

friday night, stayed up all night playing laser tag with thirty of my friends.
saturday night was the class play that i was in and we did amazing and my lines made people laugh and it was.. incredible.
today, oh today. just a simple day with a simple girl and an old guitar.

tuesday's my birthday.
mum's out of town.
five more days of high school.

woah life, slow down.

zebrahead

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 04:05:34 GMT

this distance is much too far to row.
i don't know what i want anymore.
i think i don't want anything.
and i think that that is too good to be true.

i held onto my friend's bumper of her car skateboarding
and bailed.
almost died.
survived.
bloody massacre of doom.
but it was awesome.
and in that moment with the pavement
i realized just what it's all about.

every little thing.
matters.
effects.
affects.
reflects.

it's inescapable.

woah

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 03:28:36 GMT

it's been two and a half months on T..

i feel pretty damn good.
getting hairy.
getting muscular.
cracking my voice.
it's all wonderful.

can't cry.
still am not completely comfortable.
more awkward.

awkward as hell, really.

but i'm on my way.
beauty..

climbing out of windows, into arms

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 04:37:40 GMT

i didn't feel well this morning.
maybe it's because i actually woke up this afternoon.
so i lounged around, picked up sticks, cleaned my room a little, helped my mum.
took a walk to the conservation land and laid down on a rock, hearing the birds and feeling the wind. it was all gently, quiet, warming.
my body had this feeling that something weird was going to happen, and as i opened my eyes, this car pulled up and parked next to me.
my body started moving before i even consciously awoke and led me down a path in the woods, eventually to this bridge,
started stretching,
ventured into the river,
dunked my head in the river
shook out my hair
looked like a pond monster
retreated back to my rock
laid out and dried
stood up
yawned with my hands above my head
and felt amazing.

the rest of the day was awesome.
i shook that bad mood
like my wet hair
wrapped around my face,
but not long enough to cover my eyes just yet.

mmm

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 15:29:20 GMT

ever since i was little, i believed in the inherent worth and dignity of all people, making it easy to trust every stranger i've met.
and i am still like this.
even though i've been hurt by countless things for going along and trusting in situations where i know, i know, i knew i should'ntve, it was still worth it.
i'd rather trust than be hesitant.
i'd rather fuck up along the way than have a perfect sidewalk, no cracks, no turns.

i think that is pretty much how i live.
i fuck up and then fix it.
it feels perfectly natural.
and then there are times when things don't get messed up,
but i walk on in and fix them anyway.
because it feels. right..

the opposite of war is not peace, it's creation.
and i'm going to spend the rest of my limited time on this planet
creating things that are beautiful.

or at least, showing people the things that are beautiful.

she told me that what she misses most is how i can find anything in the world to smile about
at any given time.

[this past week, i questioned my faith in humankind, questioned existence, questioned why i want to live when i'm a part of a population that is destroying where we live.]
[this past week, i realized some questions don't need to be answered.]

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 14:32:21 GMT

the closer i get to anything
the more absolutely helpless and frustrated i feel.

even with best friends or girlfriends or life goals.

i don't think i'm good at being close to anything.
i don't think i'm good at giving up parts of myself in order to bind with someone else,
because i don't think i have any parts that i'm proud enough of to give up.

it's all humiliatingly overwhelming,
jealousy, dysphoria, and the sanctity that no longer exists in side my head.

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 02:27:27 GMT

video documentation of my journey...

http://www.youtube.com/user/skylarkeleven

in case you wanted to watch :]

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:47:17 GMT

m heller sick
but i got a new binder in the mail today
and it fits wicked awesomely awesome. :]

not only that but i've got some dark hairs up my belly and on my face.
very cool, very cool.